With images of
the devastation in Haiti all over the TV and papers,
parents may find themselves awkwardly fielding questions
from their kids. How do you explain that natural
disasters and other scary events do occur while still
making your children feel safe?
We talked to Dr. Paul Coleman, author of How to Say
It to Your Child When Bad Things Happen, to find out
the best ways to talk to kids when tragedy strikes.
• Wait until they're older. Until around age 7, Dr.
Coleman suggests only addressing the tough stuff if kids
bring it up first. "They might see it on TV or hear
about it at school (or heaven forbid even witness it),
and then you have to deal with it. But younger children
might not be able to handle it well," says Dr. Coleman.
• Keep it black and white. Yes, the world can be a cruel
place, but little kids, well, can't handle the truth.
"Younger kids need to be reassured that this isn't
happening to them and won't happen to them," says Dr.
Coleman. Parents may feel like they're lying, since no
one can ever be 100% sure of what the future holds, but
probability estimates are not something small kids can
grasp, and won't comfort them.
• Ask questions. Don't assume you know how they feel.
Instead, get at their understanding of what happened.
"They might be afraid -- or just curious. You have to
ascertain that by asking things like 'What did you hear?
What do you think?'" says Dr. Coleman. "If they are
scared, ask what they're afraid of - don't assume you
know. They could be using twisted logic, like they see a
building collapse on TV and think it's Mommy's office
building. Correct any misconceptions, and then offer
assurance."
• Don't label feelings as wrong. Let them know that
their feelings make sense, and that it's ok to feel
whatever they're feeling. Never make them feel bad about
being scared.
• Use it as a teaching moment. Talking about bad things
can lead to discussions about how to help others, and
gives parents an opportunity to model compassion. Talk
about donating to a relief organization, or make the
message even more personal. "You can say, 'It makes me
think of Mrs. Smith in a wheelchair down the road -
maybe we should make her a pot roast,'" says Dr.
Coleman.
When Tragedy Affects
Someone Your Kids Know
Sometimes tragedy strikes closer to home, and there's no
way to shield your kids. If you're dealing with the
death of a friend or family member, be truthful about
it, but offer some separation between what happened and
what they fear might happen. "Say 'Grandma was very old
and very sick, but I'm not,'" says Dr. Coleman.
"Distinguish yourself clearly from that person so your
child can rest comfortably knowing Mommy's not going
anywhere."
